Tuesday, September 06, 2005

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Jack Handles: The Newest Unlawful Weapon

Knives, billy clubs, pieces of wood with ominus nails stuck therein and the word "killer" burned in, sure. I'll say that's an "unlawful weapon" pursuant to the provisions of Chapter 46.02 of the Texas Penal Code.

But a jack handle? What the hell?

Seriously, though, it's happened. In fact, it happened the other day and became our office's problem this morning. Of course, had he police looked in the trunk, they' d have found the rest of the jack, and the blown out tire that had just been changed.

Surely this is one the DA will see the stupidity of. After all, our office has already battled the DA over whether or not those things people use to tighten barbed wire fences are unlawful weapons.

Seriously, though. A jack handle? So what if it's in the back seat on the floor? Ever change a tire, stuff everything back in the trunk and realize, "Oh, fuck, the jack handle?" I haven't done that with a jack handle, but I have done it with the thing you take the nuts off the tire with. (See how mechanically inclined I am--I don't even know what the hell you call that thing).

So, what else could be considered a "club" or whatever under the unlawful weapons provision? A baseball bat, I'm sure. You can beat someone with that: watch out, high school baseball players, don't get stopped for speeding or you may get popped for that one! A tennis racket? You could concievably beat the ass of someone with that. It constitutes a club, I guess, as could a golf club, a hockey stick and well hell, a frying pan, for that matter.

I actually run across a case from the 1940s a few years back in the local courthouse where a woman actually was charged with murder for beating her husband with a frying pan while he slept. Also found one where a woman killed her husband by pouring some concoction of hot water and lye all over him. Pretty bizarre and off track, but oh, well.

I also had to look into residential treatment centers for another client. Trying to keep this one out of jail because he has lots of problems, and the catch is state facilities mean he'll lose his disability checks. Go figure, he wants a private one. Jesus, any idea how difficult it is to find a facility for an alcoholic who also has to take lithium for a type of condition a friend of mine once very uneloquently called a "head disorer?" Ohhhh, the fun.

Oh, and it's always fun when kids are accused of fisting other kids. I refuse to say anything more about that except, "yeah, right," and, "Hello, aren't there some problems when a four-year-old girl is masturbating with rocks and sippy cups and constantly tugging at her hoo-hoo...oh, yeah, and watches while mommy and step-daddy do the nasty?" Not exactly a credible victim.

Luckily, nothing went to trial today that either I had or anyone I was doing work for had. Yeah! That's all put off until November....well, until another nasty docket comes over from the clerk's office. And, in two weeks, we have something like 22 clients with pre-trial motions due...all on one day...fun fun fun.